Pausing is Progress #2

Hi. You all, my thirteen, inspire me.

I paused this week — in conversations.

I have been practicing slowing conversations down by asking questions. Reading into things is bad. Our minds are story producing machines. If we don’t understand, we will figure out a story (or many stories) that “makes sense”. The way out is to pause and notice, and THEN to ask, ask questions.

Recently someone gifted me a necklace. The following day, I ruminated about why she gave it to me… until I caught myself and I paused and I asked her, “I feel unsettled about this necklace, can we talk about it?” We talked. I felt great.

Other times, we read into our partner’s actions.

The event that started my therapy journey was 3 years ago. I lived in Vancouver at the time. A woman I dated was showing me pictures on her phone of a hike she went on. In the pictures, I saw another guy, and my mind created a story about her and him on a date. I got so lost in this story that she noticed something was wrong. I was silent the rest of the night. Ruminating.

I needed to ask a question, but I didn’t have a bridge to do so.

Brené Brown has a tool to break out of patterns like this. When you catching yourself thinking over and over about something, pause and tell your partner, “The story I am telling myself is… you were on a date with this guy. Is that true?”

Let our partner tell you the truth so you don’t have to guess it.

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Healthy Hope

I published this essay. It was easiest to write, the hardest to share. 💔

A few blocks from my house, surrounded by a stonewall is an enormous Texas cemetery. A quarter of the land is a confederate graveyard, populated with hundreds of white, unmarked, stone tablets. The rest of the graveyard lies prominent Texans, whose headstones claim the same amount of land as a dozen confederate soldiers. At the head of a giant unmarked red granite tombstone, I stand, reflecting. Across the tombstone, words slowly etch themselves in front of me, "Can we just be friends?"

[…]

Read Full Essay Here

Musings

I'm fascinated by the writing process, specifically going from zero => a working essay.

This week’s essay, I broke through when a certain image took over the story. The essay is based in a graveyard. Someone I love stands over an endless grave about to free fall in.

I have a decision. Do I say goodbye even though I'm madly in love with her? Or do I support her as a friend even though I'm madly in love with her?

I wrap my arms around her as we fall

Creatively this image came to mind while recalling a Joseph Campbell story, (see image).

With that story in mind and myself in a graveyard, the image of my love standing over a bottom-less grave emerged.

Once I had that, combined with the graveyard imagery, I had my essay.

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So partner, the story I tell myself is no one wants to read more essays and hear me go on and on and on about this difficult, painful relationship. Is this true?

Arthur

P.S. Same too when giving feedback on someone else’s writing. One thing I learned from Simon Silverstein’s feedback is when you don’t understand, just plainly ask, what are you saying here?

Readers want to read, not read into.